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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29661561">Still Alive</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oofshesaid/pseuds/Oofshesaid'>Oofshesaid</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Hunter X Hunter</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Assassination, Canon Divergence, Cliche, F/M, Kidnapping, Manipulation, Mentions of Suicide, Murder, Other, Stockholm Syndrome, Unhealthy Relationships</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 22:42:21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,762</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29661561</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oofshesaid/pseuds/Oofshesaid</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“I was contracted to kill them, and you.” His voice carried across the room to your ears but you dare not look up. You only realised that the tears had started up again once you spotted the darkening patches of concrete below you, just before your vision became too blurred to see as they cascaded down your cheeks uncontrollably.</p>
<p>“Then why am I still alive?” You asked through a jaw clenched so tightly you were sure your teeth would break. </p>
<p>* </p>
<p>Despite everything, you're still alive. <br/>But sometimes death is more merciful than life.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Illumi Zoldyck/Reader</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>45</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Prologue</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Welcome to this train wreck which came to me in a dream about four weeks ago. First time I'm writing in the HxH fandom so this is a good start. General warning, this is kinda fucked and I'm not really sure what to tag it as so please leave me any suggestions for that, oh and tell me whether you like the name or not cause I'm not sure about it still.</p>
<p>Anyway, thanks for clicking on this and I hope you enjoy. Extra welcome to those of you who came from TikTok lol<br/>You can reach me on my socials (in profile). Enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>A scream awakens you from a restless sleep. Slowly, your eyes open to the dark gloom of your bedroom and as they begin to adjust to the light a loud thud arouses your attention, followed by a soft, yet urgent mumble of talking from downstairs. It sounded almost like your mother, but the tone was something you had never heard coming from her lips before; it was fearful, pleading and despite not being able to make out the exact words she spoke, the sound struck absolute terror into your heart. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Suddenly more awake you hastily throw the covers off your bed and hurry to the door of your room. You place your feet precisely as you hurry over, careful to avoid the loose floorboards that creek whenever you so much as tiptoe across them. As you carefully pull the door open the light from the hallway trickles through the crack and illuminates your face, making you squint at the sudden brightness. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The staircase to the first floor of the house is visible from your room and you watch it intensely as the sound of voices rises up towards your ears, much clearer now with the door open. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Please… please!” You hear what you now know for certain to be your mother’s voice pleading. At first you think she might be talking to one of the servants, but her next words tell you otherwise. “You can take whatever you want, make any demand and I’ll make it happen, just don’t hurt my family! Please! I’m begging you!” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Your heart jumps into your throat as the weight of her words hits you all at once. You freeze up with your hand still resting against the doorknob, scared not only for your life, but your mother and father’s lives, too. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Your mother’s voice wavered, rising and falling in pitch. You could tell she was crying. You had only ever heard her cry like this a few times in your fourteen years of life, and it was a sound you hated more than anything. She was an emotional person and when she cried, she didn’t hold back. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But you couldn’t hear your father. Surely he was with her, or maybe he had gone to instruct the servants to call for help. You couldn’t imagine he’d leave your mother’s side at a time like this, though. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Another blood-chilling, broken scream cut through the air and echoed in your ears before your mother broke into another wave of sobs so violent you knew that you were right in assuming your father hadn’t left her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Your breathing suddenly became erratic as your thoughts caught up with you. Tears welled in your eyes as your hand flew up towards your mouth to stop yourself from screaming, too. The cries of your mother’s anguish continued to fill your head until they faded out into nothing but silence and the dripping of what sounded like a leaking pipe. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A shaky breath left your lips as the silence dragged on. At some point, tears had begun streaming down your cheeks in hot, heavy bouts which turned your vision blurry. A squeaky cry escaped your throat, as you tried to stop the endless cascade, to no avail. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The sudden sound of movement turns your attention back to the staircase. Unfamiliar footsteps began moving against the old wooden floors of the first floor landing. Your heart begins to pound against your chest once more as the sound gets closer. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You hope with all your heart that it’s one of the servants; that whoever was tormenting your parent’s left and they’re okay and this was all just some terrible nightmare that you can wake up from now. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But the light of the first floor allows a shadow to be made against the wall next to the stairs and as the figure approaches, it becomes all the more clear to you that this person is not one of the servants or your parents. It was a complete stranger. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Your eyes widen as alarm sets in, adrenaline suddenly grasping you, squeezing your lungs and screaming in your ears to move! Move now! </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Without a second thought you swiftly shut the door to your room again, trying so very hard not to slam it or make any sort of noise. There was no lock on your door, and your room was the closest to the staircase. At most, you estimated about thirty seconds between climbing the stairs and reaching your room. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Panic seized your heart as you desperately threw your gaze about your room, searching for something, anything! To barricade your door with and give you more time. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The best scenario would be to move your dresser in front of the door but with the limited time you had, that wasn’t going to be possible. Instead your eyes landed on the chair in the corner of your room. It was covered in books and clothes you couldn’t be bothered to put away, but it would jam the door knob enough to prevent the door from opening. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Quickly you threw everything on the floor and swung the chair into the nook between the brass handle and the door. The noise you made had surely alerted the person of your location but there wasn’t much else you could do. Besides, it was only a temporary solution. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You knew you had to get out of that house.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Having bought yourself more time, you turned your back on the door and jumped onto your bed, reaching for the curtains that covered your window and throwing them open hastily. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Outside rain was pouring heavily, hitting against the glass window in large droplets. There was no time to spare a thought for whether you should grab a coat as you struggled with the latch. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Just as you threw open the window, the doorknob began to move, catching on the chair and jamming. Whoever was on the other side tried once more with more force as you watched on in horror. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Adrenaline made the blood rush to your ears as the sound of rain against roof tiles filled the room. For a moment you hesitated as you looked down at the adjoining roof below your window, your heart beating fast against your ribs and the cold night air already chilling your body into a shiver. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A sudden thud against the door provided you with the last push you needed to be able to step out into the night, your bare feet slipping against the wet tiles as you held onto the window frame for balance. The rain hit your back, soaking through your thin night clothes and making your hair stick to your face. You hastily brushed it behind your ears as the sound of thudding continued from inside. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The tiles of the roof were too wet to allow you to walk along them normally, so carefully you crouched down onto your hands and knees and slowly crawled alongside the wall of the second floor, every now and then touching the brick to steady yourself.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Not once did you attempt to look back. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>At the edge of the roof a gutter ran down the side of the house and let out onto the grass of the back garden. As you approached you moved into a sitting position, dangling your legs over the edge. Once you had both hands on either side of the gutter you felt with your foot for the place where it was attached to the wall where a ridge formed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It wasn’t a lot to rest on, but enough to climb down a bit at a time. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You looked down towards the ground, murky puddles forming in the grass below. It wasn’t awfully high, but it was enough to frighten you. Should you fall you were unlikely to die, but you would probably hurt yourself badly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The weather didn’t let up, every part of your body was thoroughly soaked through and your hair stuck to the back of your neck uncomfortably. You could hear the water rushing down the gutter as you gripped onto the sides, your fingers fumbling against the slick surface as you slowly lost feeling in your fingertips in the freezing wind. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>An icy gust came and went, suddenly blowing right through you and making your body shiver violently. Goosebumps began to rise on your flesh and you hastily felt for the next ridge with your toes, though the cold had numbed any feeling in your feet by now. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A creaking noise sounded out as you faltered on the ridge, finally landing your first foot on the next one down. However, as you celebrated this small victory and went to place your second foot down, the noise grew louder, turning into the groan of rusted nails being ripped out of wood paneling. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The gutter began to bend and creak, and your feet slipped off from their scarce resting point.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Your heart jumped back into your throat as a sudden wave of new terror overtook you. The fear of falling suddenly clouded your mind as the rain continued to pour down on top of you, making your hands slip against the plastic, your finger now having completely lost all feeling. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You felt your stomach lurch as you lost your grip, falling swift and fast onto the sodden grass with a thump as your head collided with the ground and your back jolted from the impact. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>For a moment you lie there, dazed, your head spinning violently as a searing pain burnt up your left arm which had taken the brunt of the fall as you half landed on it. You roll onto your back as your hair slides away from your eyes. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Soaked and muddy, you attempt to focus your eyes and stop the spinning, watching as the rain falls on top of you from grey and balck clouds which obstruct any view of the stars or moon in the night sky. It was almost completely pitch black outside, save for the light emitting from the downstairs windows of the house. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Footsteps approached as you lay there, only half conscious and bleeding, though you were hardly as aware of that fact compared to the fear that once more crept into your heart. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was there that you caught your first glimpse of him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He wasn’t a man. His features resembled that of a kid who had yet to grow into his face despite his tall, lanky figure. The downpour had soaked him just as much as you so his dark hair lay flat against his head, stopping just above his shoulders, as his clothes clung to his figure. Faint scarlet stains marked the knees of his jeans and splattered across his torso, though the colour had been muted by the rain.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You couldn’t make out too much of his face in the dim light, but his lips curved downwards and his face seemed relaxed; as if he had no real feelings about his current situation. He was completely casual, monotone, with his hands resting in the front pocket of his hoodie. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Your eyes widened as you moved your good arm to push yourself up, your heart racing in rhythm with the rain splattering against the ground. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A sudden burst of lightning lit up the sky, providing vision enough for you to make out the rest of his face. Your arm suddenly gave way beneath you and you fell back on your side. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He stared at you with those empty black eyes, large and wide, watching you intensely as you struggled against the pain working its way through your body while the wind numbed all your limbs, making escape seem futile. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Seconds later, thunder rolled in from the heavens and muted your screaming; as last ditch effort to get help as he crouched down beside you. You crawled back onto your front and tried to drag yourself away with your one good hand but he pulled you back, flipping you back around to face his cold, dead eyes again. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You tried begging, pleading, crying and shouting but every word felt like a knife was being forced down your throat. You squeezed your eyes shut and pulled against his grip, hitting, scratching and pulling at anything you could reach but his hold remained constant. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After what seemed like an eternity, you finally began to grow too tired to fight back anymore. Your arms dropped to your side and your head hung low in defeat. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Please,” You begin softly, your voice hardly audible above the violent wind and rain, “kill me already.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tears welled in your eyes again as you spoke, remembering your mother’s anguished cries and the guttural sound of her last breaths. Death wasn’t something you had given much thought to before tonight, but realising your own mortality had led you to accept that prolonging your fate would be more painful than simply accepting it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>However, as you sit there on the waterlogged earth you realise that he hadn’t moved, even an inch. He held onto you by the scruff of your night clothes, his grip firm and unwavering, but there was no knife pointed at your throat, nor any kind of sign that he was moment’s away from taking your life. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Slowly, you move your gaze back up to look at him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His large, dark eyes were still trained on you in that intense stare, but they seemed… softer, somehow. You let out a shaky breath as the wind passed through you, a shiver rising up your back as you wonder… </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Why am I still alive?</span>
  </em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. One</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>You heard his footsteps before you saw him. Your cell was always eerily quiet save for the times when someone made their way down the steps and into the dark passage of the basement, or when the single light above your head began to make a strange buzzing sound. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>With nothing else to do, you listened intently to those sounds whenever they came about and over time came to be able to distinguish each set of footsteps as they descended. His were soft, quiet and precise on the concrete, hardly audible, but the echo of the passageway heightened any and all sounds. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His weren’t the only steps you ever heard, however they were the only one you could put a face to. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You never saw anyone else, but you knew they were there. You had counted six others, all distinguishable from each other by the sound of their feet on the tiled floors. Some were soft, like his, others heavy or loud, making clacking or shuffling noises which seemed to bounce off each wall before hitting your ears. All of them different. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You had made a game of guessing what each of them looked like based on their footsteps, a game which quickly became redundant once you realised you had no way of knowing whether your assumptions were right or not. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Nevertheless, you could still picture each of them in your mind. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>As time passed, some of those footsteps changed ever-so-slightly, and with them your impression of them changed, though some remained constant. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His had always been the same soft, quiet and precise steps. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The only thing that had changed was his physical appearance. Even back then, he was always stoic and passive, hardly seeming to show any emotion on his face. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was a creature of habit, you had come to realise. He always entered the cell in the same manner, spoke to you in the same tone and looked at you in the same way, with those large, unreadable eyes. Just like the first time. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You had been so scared that day. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You had woken up in the same cell you sat in now, terrified as the memories of the previous night flooded your mind. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Your first instinct was to run, but that plan was quickly squashed as you realised your legs were encased in iron manacles which were attached to the wall with chains. The rattling was loud and intrusive upon your head which ached dully. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You took a few steps forwards and watched as the chains strained between your ankles and the wall as you tested your range. There was perhaps a meters worth of give. A generous amount of freedom considering your current situation, however the door was still a good three meters away. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>As you sat back down on the cold concrete floor, tears began to swell up in your eyes once more. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You cried uncontrollably for what seemed like hours, waiting in anticipation for the boy to return as unanswerable questions plagued your mind constantly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Most pressingly, you wanted to know why.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Why weren’t you dead? Why did he take you prisoner? Why did he kill your parents? Was this revenge? A vendetta? Or were you just the unlucky victim of a random act of criminality? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Thinking about it all made you cry even harder as you lay on your side on the solid concrete, curled up in a fetal position, hugging your knees close to your chest in a feeble attempt to comfort yourself. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The pain in your heart drowned out the dull ache which persisted over your entire body and the stinging of your arm which was most definitely broken, and thinking about it did nothing but drive you deeper into the depths of your own all-encompassing sorrow.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So, you elected not to think about it; at least, as much as that was possible. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Your wails slowly turned into squeaking whimpers as the tears began to dry, making your face feel crusted and cold in their absence. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You dare not move from that spot, for you feared that even the slightest of change would unleash another storm from your eyes. And you were doubtful that you would be able to stop yourself a second time.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Footsteps, just the same as the ones you heard in the present, alerted you to his approach. The clattering of metal soon followed and with a creak, the door gave way.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Slowly, you pushed yourself up with your good arm as he stepped inside, carrying a metal tray which he placed on the ground before going back on himself to lock the door behind him, slipping the key into his pocket. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He did all of this without so much as glancing in your direction; his face flat, as if this was all very normal to him. And perhaps it was. You, on the other hand, watched him very carefully. Everything, from the way he walked with his right leg first, to the pocket he placed the key into. You took it all in. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Finally, he looked to you with a curious expression. It was almost void of any emotion, except for the slight incline of his head and the look in his eyes. So subtle you almost missed it, but it was the same look he had given you as he stood above you in the rain, moments away from ending your life. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You couldn’t help but hold your breath subconsciously as you waited for him to do something, say something, anything. There was fear, unlike any you had ever experienced before, that struck you whenever you were in his presence. You were sure it was some kind of primitive reaction, where your body and mind instinctively knew that you were in danger. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Over time you would become used to that feeling; that is to say, it never truly went away, you just got better at suppressing it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He sat in front of you, a good meter away, and slid the tray over in one swift movement. You glanced at it briefly, seeing the sparse array of food and the jug of water, but you don’t attempt to make for it. Instead you meet his eye once again and drink in his appearance, ignoring the hunger that ravaged your stomach. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why…?” was the only thing that you could manage to say in that moment, your voice quiet and hoarse as a result of your earlier crying. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That one simple word could have pertained to any number of questions, and you weren’t sure which of them he would choose to answer, if any at all. However, you did not think that his response would be itself a question. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you know me?” He spoke, soft and certain, just like his footsteps. It struck you silent for a moment; this was the first time he had spoken to you, you realised, and his voice was odd in the sense that it was calming, but also strong in it’s dictation. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You looked him over once more, from his sleek, dark hair that tickled that nape of his pale neck, to the dirty trainers on his feet, then back to his cold, empty eyes. Did you know him? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The simple answer was no, you had never seen him before the previous night, however you were unsure whether that was the answer he wanted to hear. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>With a tight jaw, you slowly inclined your head in a shake as your answer, watching his expression carefully as you did so. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His face barely moved as he registered your answer. He blinked once then sat back, resting on one hand. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“My name is Illumi,” he uttered in much the same tone as before, “I am the eldest son of the Zoldyck family.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Your lips parted slightly as, somewhere in the back of your mind, his words triggered a miniscule fragment of memory to be dislodged and make its way to the front of your mind. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Zoldyck. You had heard that name before. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re… a Zoldyck,” you swallow, though your mouth was completely dry. “Like, the assassins…?” you manage to squeak. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He makes a strange humming sound in reply, his tone higher, happier, as if he was pleased with your understanding. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Your head suddenly felt light as this information hit you. You remember hearing about the Zoldycks from a friend of yours; being of a relatively well-known and successful family you had heard the stories of shady business partners and detested CEO’s vanishing into thin air or turning up dead under mysterious circumstances. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Someone got the Zoldycks on ‘em.” your friend had told you, shaking his head at you for naively asking how such a thing could have happened. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“The Zoldycks?” you had stupidly asked, sending him into one of his long, rambling explanations. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A family of assassins who supposedly lived on </span>
  <span>Kukuroo Mountain, a dormant volcano in the Dentora region of the Republic of Padokea. But not just assassins; the best of the best and the most deadly to ever live. Anyone who had the misfortune of encountering them never lived to tell the tale. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Of course, that meant there was no proof that they actually existed either. And you had told your friend as much at the time. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And yet, there you were, face to face with a Zoldyck in that very moment. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Someone didn’t like your family much.” Illumi spoke again, dragging you back from that long-faded memory and reminding you of the pain in your chest where your heart ached. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tears threatened to spill over your waterline once again as you realised that your parents really were dead. You would never see them again. Most likely, you would never see anyone again if you didn’t find a way out of that cell. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You look up at him, searching for that morsel of emotion in his large, void eyes that you had noticed before. It was still there. The very same. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Pity. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>At least that’s what you rationalised it to be in your desperate, deprived mind. But it wasn’t guilt, and you clung to that with such ferocity that it almost became hope.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You- It wasn’t you…” you say, stumbling over the words as you watch his unmoving expression. “It was someone else- someone else in your family.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He looked back at you, unwavering as you said this, so sure of yourself now that it was almost fact in your eyes now. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, it was me.” He spoke, looking you dead in the eyes the very same as before. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The shattering of hope sounded like the crashing of a chandelier on tiled flooring. Everywhere you looked, glass covered like snow in a winter storm. A fierce wind snuck in and blew the shards into your skin while chilling you to the bone. You bled. Blood gushed from every orifice of your body but the pain was so great that you came to feel nothing at all. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Numb, you sat with shoulders sagged and eyes turned down as hope drained from your body and let out onto the concrete before being soaked up. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I was contracted to kill them, and you.” His voice carried across the room to your ears but you dare not look up. You only realised that the tears had started up again once you spotted the darkening patches of concrete below you, just before your vision became too blurred to see as they cascaded down your cheeks uncontrollably.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Then why am I still alive?” You asked through a jaw clenched so tightly you were sure your teeth would break. Your voice came out high and tight as you attempted to hold back the sobs creeping into your throat. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Illumi was quiet for a moment before he answered you, “There was… a problem which prevented me from finishing my job.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Job…” you echoed his words resentfully, pulling your head up to look at him again. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The way he could sit there, without so much as an ounce of guilt in his tone or demeanour, made you feel so small, so insignificant, like your life - your parent’s lives - meant nothing to him. Staring into his passive face felt like rubbing salt in your wounds with sandpaper. The pain was so immense that the numbness you felt slowly built up into rage.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Is that all they were to you? Just a job to complete?” You spat, slamming your fists down hard against the concrete. You felt your wrists begin to throb at the impact as you watch him turn his head to the side like a curious puppy. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Who?” He asked with a raise of his eyebrows so slight that you almost missed it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“My parents!” You yelled, your voice shaking with the sob that had caught in your throat. “The ones you fucking murdered! You don’t even fucking care, do you? How can you sit there knowing you’ve murdered my family? You’re psychotic!” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>At some point you had made to grab him before being quickly held back by the chains on your ankles. The rattling echoed throughout the small room as your voice faded back into silence, the sobs you had been holding back now taking over as your body shook with all the agony and fear you felt. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And still, Illumi watched you with those same empty eyes. They followed your every move with the curiosity of a young child. At one point, as you continued to cry uncontrollably in the midst of your mental anguish, his lips parted slightly as if he were going to say something before they quickly returned to a straight line. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Just kill me already…” You whimper through unsteady breaths, your resolve quickly fading as the undeniable hopelessness of the situation began to set in. “All I want is to see them again.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“As I said before, I can’t.” Was his reply, his voice steady as if he hadn’t even noticed your outburst. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So you’re just gonna keep me here?” You asked through a sniffle. “Until when…? Until I die… until… you </span>
  <em>
    <span>can </span>
  </em>
  <span>kill me?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There were a few seconds when the reality of that fact sank in where you realised truly, for the first time, what that meant. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You were going to sit in that cell for the rest of your short life. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was going to keep you there until he eventually killed you and everyday for the rest of your life you would wake up in that same four foot long, two foot wide concrete room as the same question crossed your mind; would this day be your last? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Everyday you would sit there and wait, staring at the door with baited breath for him to return, wondering whether today was the day that he would finally take pity on you. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You should eat.” Illumi said then, bringing your gaze back up to his face as he nodded towards the tray on the floor in front of you. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You looked between him and the tray for a moment before you extended your leg and kicked you away from you with all the force you could muster. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You may have been a prisoner with no control over your own life, but you could still control your death. If he thought you would sit there and accept the fate he had handed you, he was entirely wrong; you would do everything in your power to ruin his plans. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>In your eyes, it was better to slowly starve to death than to live everyday in anticipation and allow him to dictate your life’s end. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Illumi stopped the tray with his hand as if he had been expecting you to push it out of the way. The abrupt stopping of metal on the concrete made a horrid screeching noise which filled the air as his eyes narrowed ever so slightly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Eat.” He repeated, his voice now harbouring a more forceful tone than before. He pushed himself up from the ground and stood over you like an uncrossable mountain, looming idly and creating an immense shadow over the valley below. “I won't allow you to die by any other means than my own.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You stared up at him as his words chilled your skin like frost. His eyes seemed almost hypnotic at that moment, like the vast darkness of them would consume you like a black hole and suck you into the void of space. The feeling of helplessness that washed through you was unmatched by anything else you had ever experienced and you would never again experience anything without it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Seventy-three months had passed since that day. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>How did you know that? Well, truly, you didn’t however, once a month you were let out of that four foot long, two foot wide cell and led down the corridor into a washroom to allow you to bathe. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was one of the only things that reminded you of times passing. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After the first few months, you had cautiously asked for a piece of chalk from Illumi. Curious and slightly amused he had brought you some and watched keenly as you carefully marked three lines of white on the back wall. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He stood in front of you now in much the same way as he had back then. The only thing to change was his appearance. He was taller now, less lanky and more muscular with much longer hair that fell past his waist, though it maintained its dark colouring and sleek shine.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Another thing that had changed was that, after setting the tray down on the floor, he occasionally unlocked the iron manacles encasing your legs and allowed you to roam about the cell as you pleased while he sat opposite you, as he did today. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You watched as he sat against the wall, close to the door. Though the trust he had in you was more than what it had been seventy-three months ago, he still kept his watchful eyes alert whenever he set you free of your chains. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He rested an arm on one knee that was bent up towards his chest, the other laying flat against the ground and met your gaze. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You hadn’t made for your meal yet, which was actually an uncommon occurrence. Despite your initial resistance, you had given in and allowed yourself to eat what little food was brought to you. It was only on very rare occasions that you got more than one meal a day and, as such, you didn’t waste any time digging in usually. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Illumi tilted his head to the side with a queer expression, knowing all of this only too well. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Is something wrong?” You ask, your hands unmoving on the tray. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What do you mean?” He retorts, his eyebrows moving upwards ever-so-slightly, betraying his surprise at your question. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>If you were not so acquainted with his mannerisms, you would have most likely have missed this subtle change, however as it was, you had grown quite familiar with Illumi Zoldyck. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You look down at the tray and pull off a piece of bread, dipping it in the bowl of tomato soup for a second as if thinking about how to word your next reply. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Finally, you look back up at him and say, “You only ever sit with me like this if something is bothering you.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He seemed stunned by your assertion for a moment as he blinked a couple of times as if mulling this revelation around in his mind for a second. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, I suppose that’s true.” He said thoughtfully, watching as you place the soup-soaked bread into your mouth. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There was a long silence which followed as he seemed to get lost in thought. You continued to eat, but watched his facial expression very carefully, dreadfully terrified that you had said something wrong. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You knew a lot about Illumi. Not because he told you, but because you had spent the last six-years in the basement of the Zoldyck mansion, never seeing another soul save for Illumi. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>At first, you had paid attention to every miniscule little detail in hopes of one day using them to your advantage to escape, however over time that dream had faded into nothing but a hopeful delusion; a form of escapism you used as a coping mechanism. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Nowadays, you paid attention because he interested you and because you treasured the time he spent with you. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was so extremely lonesome down in that cell. There were no windows, not even bars to allow you to see into the adjoining hallway. All you could do was sit there and stare at the same four walls, the same floor, the same ceiling. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After it was made clear to you that he would indulge your requests for some items, granted they weren’t anything you could use for potential escape or self-inflicted injury, you began to ask Illumi for books to pass the time. But in time, these too became redundant. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The more you read, the more you were able to uncover entire plotlines before you had even made it halfway through. What's more, the books that you </span>
  <em>
    <span>did </span>
  </em>
  <span>find enjoyable soon became a painful reminder of your stolen freedom. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Stories of adventures through mystical lands and powers of unimaginable strength; romances that made your heart yearn for summer sun and kisses as soft as butterfly wings; mysteries solved by begrudging detectives; royals who rejected their status; teens who found themselves in the midst of chaos; uprising and riots and revolution. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was all a reminder of what you had lost, and what you would never have again. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>As a result, the books now lay in several piles in one corner of your cell, collecting dust. Reading was no longer an escape because it reminded you that you could never go on wild, fansical journeys or experience the highs and lows of an all-encompassing adventure. But more than that, it reminded you that you could never experience the mundane things in life, too, like a summer breeze or the smell of rain or the feel of grass between your toes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The time you spent with Illumi was the only thing that you could truly enjoy anymore. His visits broke up the days and combated the crippling loneliness that consumed you whenever you were left alone.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>However, most days he didn’t stay for long, simply delivering the tray before leaving again and locking the door behind him. But the worst days were the ones when he didn’t come at all. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sometimes he would be gone for days at a time. It was these on these occasions that your sense of time became the most warped, leaving you wondering how many days had past and how many were to come. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>During these times, it was hard for you to distinguish between reality and delusion. These were by far your lowest moments. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You always knew when he was going to leave because he left you food, but no matter how much time you had to prepare yourself, you were never able to cope with the extensive isolation. During his last leave, you had become so lost within the passing of time that you had neglected to eat. As such, when Illumi returned he found you on the brink of starvation. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Believing you had tried to starve yourself on purpose, he had resolved to feed you himself until he trusted you again. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That was a few months ago now, but he hadn’t left for longer than a day since, though he did allow you to eat by yourself again. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Admittedly, you had missed the comfort of having him sit with you while you ate which is what made you excited, if not a little perplexed, that he was once again sat across from you. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Kil…” He said finally, as if thinking aloud.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Your brother?” You pipe up, latching onto his response in hopes of getting something like a conversation out of him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He makes a quiet humming noise, his large eyes shifting back to you as if he had forgotten you were there. “Killua has gone off with that Gon boy again.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His mouth curls downwards a fraction as he tells you this, telling you that he was far from fond of this. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You knew of Killua, one of Illumi’s younger brothers and the heir to their family, though you had not ever seen or spoken to him yourself. You also knew of Gon, a boy Killua had met not long ago and who Illumi had a particular disliking for. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You had never known Illumi to show much of any type of emotion, no matter how strong, however when it came to Killua, and by extension Gon, his shift in emotional state was always so obvious. It was like his entire aura changed, as it did now, whenever either were mentioned. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When it was Killua’s name that arose in conversation, Illumi’s face became softer, less rigid and his demeanour would overall become more proud, however there was always an underlying defensive feel to his tone. This only grew once Gon had become a part of the equation. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Now, whenever the two were mentioned, because there was never one without the other, Illumi’s face would tense up and his aura felt more protective, more dangerous. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was an alarming shift.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Where have they gone?” You ask timidly, gauging his reaction. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know.” He admits, his voice still unwavering in its passivity. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re not going to follow them?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>This last question brought his attention fully back to you, his eyes glancing over your figure as if in deep thought. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You couldn't help the rising intonation that crept into your voice as you had asked the question; you were sure it wouldn’t be long before he would leave for an extended period again, and the thought of being left alone terrified you. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You also knew that Illumi felt the need to keep an eye on Killua, that was the reason he gave for leaving the last time. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No.” He responded simply. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The tension in your shoulders left as you heard this, allowing you to release the small breath you had held in until that point. With the fear slowly subsiding you went to take another bite of food but stopped abruptly after surveying the tray.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You hadn’t noticed until this point, the plastic cutlery that lay to one side. You stared, perhaps for too long, at it wondering why it was there. You had never been given utensils to eat before, not to use yourself anyway and it was strange to see them lying there so casually, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re not eating.” Illumi broke the silence again, noticing your absence of movement. “Do I need to feed you again?” He asked, almost conversationally as he tilted his head. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You look at him, then back at the tray, then to him again before averting your eyes completely and shaking your head. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You picked up the white plastic fork carefully and stabbed it into a piece of bread before bringing it to your lips. You could feel his eyes watching you intensely the entire time but you didn’t return his gaze. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why don’t you just kill him?” You ask between bites. When he doesn’t respond, you elaborate. “Gon, if he’s in the way of Killua’s assassin duties, why don’t you just kill him?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The silence stretches on for far longer than you anticipated, making you give in and sneak a glance at him. He was still staring dead at you, his expression giving away nothing as usual, despite looking to be thinking again. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Is he… like me?” You add slowly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No.” He says sharply, his mouth forming the single syllable before you had even finished your question, as if he had been expecting it. “He is nothing like… He is nothing.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You look back down at the fork in your hand with wonder and suddenly your heartbeat begins to pick up. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He isn’t even worth killing.” Illumi adds, staring straight ahead. However, despite being directly in his line of sight, he wasn’t looking at you; it was as if he could see through you, like a ghost. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You supposed you were a ghost, in some ways. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>To most people, you were already dead. Nobody could see you, but you were still here. Nobody could hear you, but you still cried. You might as well be dead, because it’s not like you truly lived anymore. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So, really, what did you have to lose?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>As soon as the thought crossed your mind, you jumped on it. Within seconds you were across the other side of the room and on top of Illumi, attempting to stab at anything you could hit. Your heart was in your throat, pounding erratically and driving you with the release of adrenaline into your bloodstream. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>However, as your hand came down, it was stopped in its track by the tight grip that had encased your wrist. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Illumi had immobilised you so effortlessly, holding your arm above your head at an uncomfortable angle, that it made you release the plastic almost instantaneously. The adrenaline that you had felt coursing through your veins only seconds before, retreated and left you feeling weak and hopeless once more.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It felt as if your whole body had shrunk, your head fell to stare at the small space between you and your captor. You noticed how he had hardly moved to stop you, simply raising his hand to stop your swing while the rest of him stayed in the same position. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He allowed you to get that close before he stopped you and as a result you had come to sit practically in his lap. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Pathetic.” He said simply, his tone sounding more disappointed than angry. He released your arm so that you fell into him, your face becoming buried in the fabric of his shirt. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A small, humourless laugh escaped your mouth as you felt the effect of his comment. You found that you agreed with him; you were entirely pathetic, he was right. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The laugh that escaped you turned into a breathless crying as sobs wracked through your body which made you shake all over. Once you had opened your mouth, you couldn’t stop the wails that came up from your throat. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Further into Illumi’s chest you buried your face until you felt the tickling sensation of hands on your back, pushing you closer so-very gently. But the crying never ceased and your breathing became more ragged with every bit of air you tried to swallow. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re right,” You managed to muffle into his shirt. “I am pathetic. So why don’t you just kill me already?” You weep, the strength in your voice returning only to beg. “Please. Please, please, please, please, please… Please! Kill me!” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You began repeating this over and over again, like a mantra that would manifest your desires. The words became less and less distinguishable as you kept saying them in variation, begging and pleading between sobs only to be ignored. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>One hand left your back and was placed on the back of your head as if to comfort you. It began stroking your hair softly in a calming manner and after a minute, you stopped repeating your words, though the tears were far from finished. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You know I can’t.” Illumi spoke once you had quieted yourself significantly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You sniffled, bringing your head up to look at him, feeling the air cool the fresh tears that covered your cheeks. “Why? Am I not worth killing either?” You question, unable to get your eyes to focus beyond the tears. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He shakes his head. “You know you’re different.” He says simply as if that answered your question. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Whether this subject came up, he always gave you that answer as if it should have been the most obvious thing in the world. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You’re different, that's why he can’t kill you. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But why were you different, and how? What did that mean for you and what did it mean for him? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You were certain there was more he wasn’t telling you, but as it was this was the only reason he ever gave. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You sniff again and bring your hand up to wipe away the remaining tears as best you could before settling back into his chest, feeling the soft rise and fall of his lungs as he breathed along with the slow, melodic beat of his heart. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>You were unsure how long you stayed like that, but he never made to let go of you and you remained still in his arms, thankful for his comforts. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Illumi,” You spoke after a while. His eyes shifted to look at you which you took as your que to continue. “When I die, I want you to bury me with my parents.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It wasn’t a question so much as a peremptory request, and perhaps that’s why he didn’t initially answer you, because you had never demanded something of him before. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Slowly, he nodded in agreement and you allowed yourself to settle again, this time closing your eyes and letting the silence carry you into a better life. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I haven't proof-read this properly cause I was trying it get it published quickly so if there are any noticeable mistakes please let me know and I'll fix them. </p>
<p>Also, y/n was initially meant to be gender neutral so I try to steer clear of too much description, however depending on who reads this they may end up being female; if there are any male readers reading this rn please let me know and I'll keep it as gender neutral as possible. </p>
<p>In other news it's my birthday tomorrow, so this was certainly an interesting way to spend my last day being seventeen lol</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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